


hold my hands, let's ride on the clouds

by dreamiedragon



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Age Play Little Bang Chan, Age Regression/De-Aging, All relationships are platonic, Bang Chan-centric, Bed-Wetting, Blood, Caregiver!Hyunjin, Diapers, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Light Angst, Lowercase, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Pacifiers, Plushies, Swearing, Thumb-sucking, Toys, baby bottles, but he helps look after them, caregiver!changbin, caregiver!felix, caregiver!jeongin, caregiver!minho, little!chan, littlespace, seungmin isnt a caregiver, sippy cups
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25773610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamiedragon/pseuds/dreamiedragon
Summary: when one of his members finds out about the part of chan that he was so desperate to hide away, he never could have imagined he would be accepted so wholeheartedly.or, chan refuses to accept that he's a little until he gets caught and finally learns what it feels like to be looked aftertitle taken from 'you can STAY'
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix
Comments: 17
Kudos: 160





	1. Chapter 1

as the clock ticked over to 3am, chan finally pressed pause on the song playing from his laptop. he had been working on it for the past 4 and a half hours and had completely lost track of time, only stopping when the exhaustion was so much he knew he wouldn’t be able to carry on even if he wanted to. he slipped his headphones off and set them down on the desk, running a hand through his hair as a cold breeze blew in through the open window. he shivered and turned to look at it, before quickly realising it was raining. hard. 

he stood up from his chair and walked towards the window. when he got there he poked his head out slightly before a huge thunderclap sounded and he shot backwards, tripping over the leg of the couch and landing harshly on his back. he let out a whimper as an ache settled in his hands where he had tried to catch himself, and crawled back to lean against the foot of his desk chair. another thunderclap sounded, accompanied by a bright flash of lightning, and he cried out, scrambling backwards into the corner of the room. his back met the wall and he covered his ears with his hands. his body trembled and fat tears rolled down his cheeks as he could feel the thunder tearing through the building with its deep vibrations. 

after 15 minutes continuous sobs, chan finally mustered up the courage to crawl over to his desk and grab his headphones from the table. he shoved them over his ears and grabbed his phone, struggling to read the different song names through his blurry vision. he settled on some soft lofi music as he stumbled to the couch and curled up on it, desperately trying to drown out the rumbling thunder and shaking of his own body. fatigue must have finally taken over as not long after laying down he fell asleep, his thumb finding its way into his mouth to soothe him.

when he woke up, it was to the sound of his phone ringing. he pushed himself up into a sitting position and answered it.  
“hyung, where are you right now?”. chan hesitated for a minute, finding it hard to figure out who he was talking to as he had been awake for less than a minute. he pulled the phone away from his face and read changbin’s caller ID. putting it back against his ear, he muttered “i’m at the studio”. or at least, he tried to. when changbin’s slightly annoyed “i didn’t understand a word of that” made its way to chan’s ears, he was already yanking his thumb out of his mouth and staring at it in disbelief. how had he not even realised this whole time that he had been sucking his thumb?

“hello? chan hyung?”. he could tell changbin was growing more and more frustrated.  
“yeah sorry binnie, i’m at the studio right now. i must have fallen asleep while working, i’ll make my way home soon.”  
“okay hyung, see you in a bit.” changbin replied with a sigh before hanging up. chan lowered the phone from his ear, still not completely registering what had already happened in the 5 minutes he had been awake. it was nearly 7:00AM, so he would have enough time to collect his stuff and get to the dorms, shower, and then come back with the members for dance practice. 

he rubbed his eyes harshly, trying to ignore the slightly sore teeth marks around the base of his thumb. letting out a deep breath, he stood up. instantly he froze. his eyes welled up as he realised what had happened without even needing to look down. he whimpered before finally shifting his unfocussed gaze to the large damp stain on the front of his sweatpants, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. he clenched his fists as he tried to regain his composure. he couldn’t believe he’d let this happen, he promised he would ignore that side of him because it was wrong and unnatural. it was fucked up, and if any of the other members found out about it they would think he was a freak. he hated it about himself, hated how he had no control over it. hated how he had read that forum so many years ago, hated how he could relate to it so much that it physically hurt. hated that he knew it would always be a part of him. hated that he was a little.

knowing that he didn’t have a lot of options right now as the others were expecting him back soon, he picked up his jacket and tied it around his waist to cover his accident. he hastily shoved his belongings into his bag and hastily left the studio, making his way to the lockers a few floors below. when he got there, he pulled open hyunjin’s locker and yanked out his bag of spare clothes. he dug around for a while, trying to find his sweatpants, before tugging them out and shoving the bag back into the locker. he rushed to the nearest bathroom and changed, rolling up the end of the sweatpants so they weren't dragging on the floor. he tipped his possessions out of his own bag and shoved his dirty clothes into the bottom, putting his headphones around his neck and his other belongings into his pockets. he lifted the bag onto his shoulder and left, making his way home.

when he entered the dorms, the other members were eating breakfast together, nearly ready to leave for practice. seven pairs of eyes turned to look at him, and he heard changbin mutter “see, i told you he’d be home soon.”.  
“sorry if i worried you, i fell asleep at the studio.” chan mumbled, knowing the boys weren’t happy with him.  
“it’s ok hyung, nothing you haven’t done before.” minho replied, turning back to his food. chan winced and looked at the floor.  
“are those my sweatpants?”. at this chan paused, desperately trying to come up with a lie on the spot.  
“y-yeah, i had to borrow them because i spilt tea on mine. sorry hyunjin, i’ll wash them and give them back as soon as i can.”. he stumbled over his words as he spoke, and when he finished he made a swift getaway to his room without looking back at the members. letting out a sigh, he threw his belongings onto his bed and grabbed a fresh set of clothes before making his way to the bathroom with his bag still on his shoulder.  
he locked the door behind him and undressed, noticing a slight soreness around his lower half. he threw the clothes next to his bag, which still contained his urine-soaked sweatpants and underwear. he jumped in the shower and washed himself quickly. once he was done in the bathroom, he collected the dirty clothes and bag and made his way to the washing machine in their dorm, throwing it all in together and setting it to hot wash. 


	2. Chapter 2

felix could tell something wasn’t right with chan. ever since he’d come back this morning with red-rimmed eyes he’d wanted to ask what was wrong, but he hadn’t had the chance. now they had half an hour of dance practice left, and he could practically read on their leader’s face that he wasn’t doing well. he grimaced every time he sat down for a 10 minute break, and again when he stood up to run through the choreography. it was like he was in pain, but felix couldn’t for the life of him figure out what would be causing it, or why he wasn’t telling them about it. 

chan mentally scolded himself as he missed the same step again. he hadn’t had a single run through of the new dance in which he didn’t mess up at all. he was growing more and more frustrated at himself, but the angrier he got the more unfocused he felt. on top of that, the soreness he had experienced earlier was getting worse now and it definitely wasn’t going to subside while his shorts kept scraping the insides of his thighs every time he moved. 

he managed to make it to the end of dance practice without causing a scene and scampered off to his studio, giving the others a quick “i’ll be back later” before leaving. he shut the door behind him and collapsed into his desk chair, letting out a long breath of air. he pulled up the bottom of his shorts to see how bad his thighs were and groaned when he saw that the red rashes painted on his pale skin had worsened. he pulled his shorts back down to cover himself and leaned back, sighing again before finally getting to work on his songs. 

he spent 2 hours trying to force himself to focus before he gave up, annoyance washing over him as the time on his phone changed to 11pm and he thought about how little he had completed. he tugged on his hair and stood up, pacing back and forth for a while as his thoughts overtook him and his mood worsened. why had he been so useless lately? first he fucked up last night and regressed accidentally, then he pissed himself in his sleep, and now he had to deal with both the physical rashes that had left, and the mental struggle of feeling absolutely worthless. why couldn’t he just be normal? why couldn’t he find a coping mechanism that didn’t result in him acting like a fucking 3 year old? why couldn’t he–

he turned and punched the wall, anger overwhelming his senses. loud panting could be heard throughout the room as he struggled to rein in his emotions, time seemingly frozen as the rageful voice in his mind died down. regret flooded his body as he realised what he'd done, quickly followed by red hot pain in his knuckles as he felt a warmth run down his fingers. his eyes filled with tears and he hiccupped. sinking to the ground he cradled his hand to his chest, not taking any notice of the blood he was smearing across his front. 

“chris i’ve had enough, you’re coming home right now even if i have to drag you, all you’re doing is hurting yourse–” felix paused. when he shoved open the door to the studio, he had expected an exhausted chris sitting at his desk with bloodshot eyes and blaring headphones. his heart dropped when he instead took in the sight of a glassy-eyed chris curled up on the floor with his hands to his chest, looking so fragile that it was like he could break at any second.  
“hyung..?” felix whispered tentatively, trying not to startle the older. chan let out a shaky breath and looked up, meeting eyes with felix.  
“...lixie?” he managed, before bursting into tears. felix rushed forwards and gathered him into his arms, chan clutching onto his shirt tightly with both hands as sobs racked his body. all felix could do was hold him and whisper reassurance into his ears, hoping that somehow it would help calm down the distraught leader. 

after half an hour, chan had calmed down enough that felix felt he could try and talk to him.  
“chris, can you tell me what’s wrong?”, he asked, rubbing circles on the older’s back to keep him calm. chan replied with a whine and tried to burrow further into felix’s shirt. “hey it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me now. i think we should probably get back to the dorms though...” he managed to pry chan’s hands from his shirt for just long enough to stand up, and as soon as chan started to kick up a fuss he lifted the boy to his feet and wrapped him up in a hug. “i’m gonna get your stuff together so we can leave, okay?” felix asked, running a hand through the other boy’s hair. chan nodded and hesitantly detached himself from felix. as quickly as possible, the younger australian saved what chan had been working on and shut his computer down, before grabbing the rest of his things. when he turned back round to face chan, the boy had his left thumb firmly lodged in his mouth, and looked like he was about to fall asleep on the spot. it was at this moment that felix also noticed the dried blood smeared across his knuckles and the front of his shirt, and rapidly looked down at his own shirt to find a similar situation. praying that chan hadn’t done any serious damage to himself, he took the boys free hand in his own and started to pull him out of the studio and down the hallway. he figured that not many people would still be at the company at midnight, so he didn’t bother trying to coax chan’s thumb out of his mouth and just let him be. 

they made it back to the dorms in just under half an hour, with felix pretty much dragging chan the entire way home. he unlocked the door and led him inside, pushing it shut behind them and bending down to take his own shoes off. he waited for chan to do the same before realising that the boy had no intention of moving any time soon as he stood against the wall, eyes drooping and thumb still between his lips. felix sighed slightly, and shuffled forwards towards chan's feet to untie his shoelaces and slip off his shoes one by one. once done, he stood up and took hold of chan's free hand again, leading them towards the bathroom so that he could clean up his knuckles before they went to bed.

he pushed chan to sit down on the edge of the bathtub while he grabbed a washcloth to run under the tap. chan whimpered around his thumb as felix gently cleaned away the blood from his hand, whispering comforting words to him as he worked. he rinsed the cloth under warm water to wash away the red substance and placed it on the edge of the sink. finally, he grabbed a clean bandage from the cabinet and wrapped it around chan's hand, being careful not to pull it too tight so as to avoid cutting off the circulation. felix took hold of chan’s upper arm and pulled him up from his seat. this caused chan to look up sleepily at him and lean forwards until his head was resting in the crook of the younger autralian’s neck. felix smiled and wrapped a hand around chan, rubbing slow circles on his back. “let’s get you to bed” he mumbles to himself, and used the hand on chan’s back to guide the boy away from his body and out of the bathroom. 

they made it to chan’s shared room, and felix laid him down on the bed before whispering ‘goodnight’ and turning to leave. this elicited a rather loud whine from chan, who was now tear-filled eyes are almost glowing due to the light coming in through the open door. felix rushed back to his side to comfort him.  
“hey what’s the matter?” he said in a low voice full of worry.  
“l-lixie stay?” chan whispered, removing his thumb from his mouth so that he could be understood better. felix let out a shallow sigh.  
“sure okay, but that means we have to go to my room instead because it has more space.” chan nodded slightly in understanding and sat up, allowing the younger to guide him out of bed. taking hold of his uninjured hand, felix led him back out of the room and to his own. changbin was fast asleep on his own bed in the corner, so felix didn’t need to worry about making a lot of noise. he sat chan down on his bed and went to his closet to change into comfier clothes, before returning to the older boy and climbing under the covers. as soon as he was comfortable, chan shuffled up next to him and laid down, placing his head against the younger boys chest and lodging his thumb in his mouth again. felix wrapped an arm around chan’s waist and pulled him close, sleep taking over him almost instantly. 

almost.

as soon as the words “nigh’ nigh’ lixie hyung” reached his ears he tensed, eyes snapping open as he tried to figure out whether he'd heard correctly. if chan felt him go stiff he didn't say anything. the older australian burrowing further into his chest was what snapped him out of his daze and he managed a “g’night chrissy” in reply, before closing his eyes and waiting for sleep to take him.


	3. Chapter 3

when felix woke up, chan was still fast asleep. if he had his phone nearby he would have taken at least a hundred pictures of the older boy, because the image of their leader curled up against his side with his thumb in his mouth was just too adorable for him to handle. he would have stayed with the sleeping australian for hours like this if he could have his way. he began to untangle himself from the covers while trying to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake chan up, and that was proving to be quite difficult. after a few minutes of struggling he was finally free, and he quietly made his way out of the room and towards the bathroom. as he passed through the kitchen he found changbin and jisung eating breakfast together. he mumbled out a greeting to them.  
“mornin’.” jisung replied, seemingly half asleep.  
“did you bring chan back last night? i thought i saw someone else in your bed.” changbin questioned felix, who rubbed a hand down his face in a weak attempt to wake himself up.  
“yeah, i found him at the studio and had to practically drag him home. he was tired and didn’t want to bother anyone in his room by coming back late so he stayed with me.” his lie was convincing enough. he wasn’t sure if chan would be happy with him telling the others about what he had witnessed last night, so he decided to keep it to himself for now.  
changbin nodded in acknowledgement, and felix carried on making his way to the bathroom. 

just as felix opened the door to return to his room 10 minutes later, he was met with a frantic jisung grabbing his arms and shaking him roughly.  
“something’s wrong with chan, he won’t stop crying and he keeps asking for you” he said breathlessly, wide eyes meeting felix’s concerned ones. nudging jisung out of the way, he rushed back through the kitchen and to his room. upon entering, he was met with changbin kneeling on the floor next to his bed, which was currently occupied by a sobbing chris who was clutching at felix’s pillow in desperation. changbin was trying to calm him down but the distraught australian couldn’t hear him over his own cries. felix tapped changbin on the shoulder and motioned for him to move out of the way. 

“i don’t know what’s happening i came in to change and he was crying and i asked what was wrong and he just kept saying your name so i told jisung to go and find you but he won’t calm down and i–”  
“hyung it’s okay, relax i’ve got him” felix reassured the older as he sat down on the edge of the bed. he placed his hands on chan’s knees, hoping the physical contact would provide some sort of comfort. chan raised his head at the action, cries halting for just long enough for him to register the fact that the boy he had been asking for was in front of him, before launching himself at felix. jisung and changbin looked at each other in disbelief, not really sure what was going on between the two australians in front of them. to be honest, felix wasn’t exactly sure what was happening with their leader either, but all he could do was console him, so that was what he tried to do. 

he turned his head to look at changbin and jisung, and asked “can you tell the others that chan’s not feeling well so we’re staying back from practice?”  
changbin nodded, but jisung wasn’t as quick to comply.  
“only if you tell us what’s really wrong with him.”  
felix sighed and met jisung’s stare. “i don’t know what’s wrong. when i found him last night, he was crying like this so i brought him home and he wouldn’t leave my side. i’m guessing he panicked when he woke up and i wasn’t there.”  
jisung frowned. “but why? he’s never been that clingy with you before has he?”  
“no, that’s what i don’t understand either. look, i’ll calm him down and talk to him about it and tell you what he says later, does that sound okay?”  
changbin nods again, looking confused about the entire situation. jisung huffs next to him, before humming in acknowledgment and leaving, changbin following behind and pulling the door shut. 

it took around an hour for chan to calm down after his outburst, and by that time all of the other members had left. felix had repositioned himself so that he was more comfortable, and currently he was sitting against the wall with chan in between his outstretched legs, the boy leaning sideways against his chest with his thumb in his mouth (again) and tear tracks under his closed eyes. felix’s arms were wrapped around him and his chin was propped on top of chan’s head as he played a game on his phone. he immediately turned it off when he felt chan begin to shift in his arms.

he leant back slightly from the older boy so that he could look at him properly, and chan’s eyes fluttered open drowsily. he yawned around his thumb, and then froze. all of a sudden he yanked it out of his mouth and stared at it in shock, before snapping his head up to lock eyes with felix.  
“felix...” he trailed off, wide eyes darting frantically around the room, trying to piece together the situation. he scrambled off the bed and stumbled away from felix, muttering a string of “i’m sorry”s and “i didn’t mean to”s. felix quickly followed and reached out to grab chan’s hand.  
“hey hyung, it’s okay, relax–” chan wrenched his hand away from felix and gasped. he pulled the bedroom door open and rushed out, and before felix could even react he heard the bathroom door slam shut and lock. he sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. what was chan apologising for? what was it that he didn’t mean to do? none of it made sense to the younger australian. he walked out of the bedroom and to the bathroom, knocking on the door.

“hyung?” he couldn’t hear crying. “chris? are you okay?”  
“i’m sorry you had to see me like that felix.” chan’s rough voice sounded through the door. a flash of hurt crossed felix’s features. didn’t chan trust him enough to be vulnerable around him? did he regret showing that side of himself to felix?  
“hyung, what do you mean by ‘like that’? you were upset when i found you last night so i took care of you, why are you hiding from me now?”  
“because i was weird... you must hate me right? fucking freak chan being all clingy and sucking his thumb and needing looking after because he can’t fucking look after himself like some stupid child–”  
“chris stop. don’t you dare say those things about yourself. look, if you’re upset that i saw a more sensitive side of yours then i understand, but don’t you dare call yourself a freak. you wanted comfort and i was more than happy to give you that, and i wouldn’t hesitate to do the exact same thing again if you needed me to. so what if you were sucking your thumb, or being clingy or whatever. i don’t care about that, all i care about is your wellbeing.” after a few seconds of silence, he heard chan sniffle, and then the door unlocked. he pushed it open to reveal a messy-haired chan looking down at the ground. felix took him by the hand and pulled him to the living room, where he pushed the older down onto the couch and stood in front of him.

“why are you so upset by this?” he asked, frustration bleeding into his voice even though he was trying to keep himself under control.  
“why are you not? i don’t get why you don’t think i’m weird after seeing me behave like that? i’m a 23 year old man but i was acting like a child.” chan retorted, still not meeting eyes with the younger boy. felix crouched down to meet the older's height.  
“because i’m sure you had your reasons hyung, and my view of you won’t change no matter what those reasons are.” chan went silent at that. he lifted his hands up to cover his face before mumbling  
“it's called age regression.”  
“what? i can’t hear you.” felix reached up to pull chan’s hands from his face so that he could talk properly. chan sighed.  
“i said, age regression.”  
“okay, what exactly does age regression mean?” felix questioned, although he thought he could probably make an educated guess.  
“it means that when i get stressed or anxious, i slip into the mindset of a child. i mentally regress to an age where i wouldn’t have to worry about the things i worry about as an adult. it’s a coping mechanism and i can’t always control when i slip into littlespace.”  
“so... i’m guessing last night you got really stressed and then slipped into... ‘littlespace’ as you called it, right?”  
“yeah, and i didn’t come out of it until earlier, just before i ran into the bathroom.” chan fiddled with his fingers, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation they were having and felix could see that.  
“how about i go and do some research, and then any questions i have i can come and ask you, does that sound alright?”  
hesitating, chan nodded. “yeah, okay.”  
“great!” felix turned to walk out of the room, but stopped in the doorway. “you don’t have to be ashamed of this, you know. i thought you were really cute like that.” he smiled and then left. chan buried his head into his hands as his ears burned bright red. he still couldn’t register the fact that someone had found out his secret, let alone them not being freaked out by it. hell, even chan thought he was weird, so for someone else to just accept that side of him? he wasn’t sure he could believe it.

after their conversation, chan had gone back to the bathroom to change the bandages on his hand and use the toilet. the cuts weren’t bleeding at all and a nasty purple bruise covered his knuckles, but he figured it would probably get better in about a week. he also checked the rashes on his lower half, and found some cream in the cupboard to apply to ease the soreness.  
he was sitting on his bed writing lyrics when he got a text from felix asking him to go to his room. he saved his work and plugged his laptop in to charge before standing up and making his way out. 

when he walked in, red dusting his cheeks, felix looked at him with a huge grin and patted the bed in front of him as a motion for chan to sit down. he obliged and sat down opposite the younger boy, crossing his legs under him and looking down at the striped bedsheets. 

“so i did some research and i have a few questions, if that’s okay hyung?” felix asked.  
“...sure, go ahead.”  
“alright, first i wanna ask if you’ve ever properly gone into your headspace before, like consciously allowed yourself to drop?” felix already knew what chan’s answer was going to be, but it still hurt to hear.  
“no... not really. even though i know it’s probably not healthy, i’ve always tried to just ignore it. usually every couple of months or so i just.. kind of.. crash into my headspace without realising. i’m not really sure why it happened two days in a row though.” chan winced and sucked in a breath when he realised what he’d just said.  
“two days in a row? wait, so the other night when you fell asleep at the studio you were in littlespace?”  
“yeah, the thunder scared me and i dropped i guess.”  
“cute” felix muttered under his breath, smiling slightly at the thought of little chan being scared of a thunderstorm. at that, chan felt his ears heat up, a pout making its way to his face. 

“okay, another question. is this in any way sexual for you?” chan looked up with wide eyes, mouth slightly open in shock from the unexpected question.  
“what? n-no.” he stumbled over his words. “age regression isn’t sexual at all, it’s just a coping mechanism. it’s even used in therapy.”  
“okay okay, i just wanted to make sure.” felix put his hands on the older boy’s knees to reassure him. “do you have any things for when you’re in headspace?”  
“no, like i said i’ve never really allowed myself to drop so i don’t know what little me would like and dislike while in littlespace.”  
“that’s alright, we can figure that out as we go along.” felix replied. chan looked up. 

“what? what d’you mean?”  
“would you let me be your caregiver?”  
“you can’t just–” chan paused, before letting out a sigh. “you have to create a bond with a little in order to become their caregiver. you have to build a relationship with them while they’re in littlespace so that they can learn to trust you.” chan fiddled with his fingers in his lap, the pout returning to his face.  
“okay, would you let me look after you in littlespace then?” felix asked. chan could hear the sincerity in his voice. as much as he hated his little side, he knew how much it was hurting him when he pushed it down and tried so hard to ignore it. so, after years of pretending it didn't exist and hating himself for it, he finally gave in. 

“okay.” he whispered, avoiding eye contact with the other australian. felix lit up, a huge grin on his face as he grabbed chan’s hands.  
“are you feeling little now?” chan blushed and covered his face with his hands.  
“am i that obvious?” felix laughed.  
“you have a few tells, mainly the fiddling and the pouting. do you want me to try talking you down?” chan looked up in surprise. “a-ah sorry, i just read about it when i was doing research...” felix stuttered, trailing off.  
“you would really do that?” chan asked, taken aback at the younger boy’s suggestion. 

“of course! it might be kind of hard for you to let yourself fall into your headspace because you’ve never willingly done it before, so talking you down might make it easier. we can at least give it a try anyway. is that okay, sweetheart?” chan hummed softly and nodded, leaning into felix’s touch when he ran his hand through the older boys hair. he gently tugged on his shirt, leading felix to ask “do you want to change into some comfier clothes baby boy?” chan let out a small whine before slapping a hand over his mouth in shock. he never expected himself to slip so easily, and it clearly showed how much trust he put in felix to allow that side of him to show like that. "hey, you don't need to be embarrassed, it's okay" felix reassured him. 

the younger australian stood up and crossed the room, pulling out his own pink sweatshirt from the wardrobe and bringing it back to the bed. “baby? i’m gonna need you to stand up for me so we can get you changed.” chan’s adorable pout returned as he shuffled to the edge of the bed, stumbling slightly as he got to his feet. “arms up!” felix said cheerfully, and he slid the shirt off over chan’s head. he then tugged the sweatshirt over the older boy’s torso and ruffled his hair. “you did so well for hyung, baby boy!” chan let out a childish giggle, hiding his face against felix’s chest as he covered his cheeks with his new pink sweater paws. 

“channie good boy?” he questioned, looking up at felix with wide, glistening eyes.  
“the best boy!” felix replied, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. this elicited another giggle from the little, who lightly smacked felix’s chest. chan eventually stepped away from him and looked down, fiddling with his fingers again.  
"can channie watch cartoons pwease lixie hyung?" he said softly. felix nearly started crying on the spot.  
"of course you can baby! let's go sit in the living room." he took the little's hand to lead him out of the room, but turned back when chan didn't move. "what's wrong sweetheart?" chan pointed to the stuffed munchlax seated on changbin's bed. "do you want gyu to come with us too?" chan nodded. he let go of felix's hand to grab the plushie and cuddled it closely to his chest, before following felix out of the room and to their living room. 

once there, he sat down next to the other australian and cuddled into his side. felix flicked through the tv channels, searching for some sort of kids network to put on. he found a channel playing pororo and chan clapped excitedly next to him, hugging gyu even tighter against his body. chan lifted himself up slightly and crawled into felix's lap, leaning sideways against him so that he could still see the tv. felix beamed and wrapped his arms around the boy, holding him against his chest. "you okay baby?" he asked, resting his head on chan's curls. chan hummed.  
"t'ank you 'yungie." he said softly, words slurring together. he nestled further into felix's hold.  
"anything for you angel." felix replied, gently kissing the top of chan's head.

not long later, chan started to get restless. he let out a whimper and nudged his head against felix’s chest, looking up at the australian.  
“what is it baby?” felix asked, looking down at the little curled up in his lap. a large gurgling noise sounded and chan whimpered again, his eyes filling with tears as he nudged his head against felix’s chest again. “is baby channie hungry?” he teased. “let’s go get some food in that tummy then, shall we?” felix leant down and kissed chan’s forehead before sliding him off his lap and onto the couch. he stood up and turned, expecting the little to stand up too. instead, chan lifted his arms up and made grabby hands at felix. “you want me to carry you?” chan waved his arms in the air, leaning further forwards towards the younger australian. “i’m sorry baby, but i don’t think i’m strong enough to carry you. how about you try walking for hyungie?” chan lowered his arms and pushed himself to the edge of the couch. he clung on to felix’s shirt with one hand as he pulled himself up into a standing position, gyu clutched tightly in his other hand. when he found his balance, he took hold of the younger boy’s hand and allowed himself to be led to the kitchen. 

felix had come to the conclusion that chan had regressed to such a young age that he wasn’t able to verbalise his needs. this knowledge came from the fact that everytime felix asked the older boy what he wanted to eat, he whined and pointed his nose at a cupboard. not quite sure what to do in that situation, felix proceeded to get everything out of said cupboard and hold each item up one by one. it was a wonder that chan wasn’t getting dizzy from how much he was shaking his head at the food being displayed to him. eventually, he nodded excitedly at a nearly-empty jar of vegemite in felix’s hand, the boy letting out a long, exasperated sigh of relief as he began to pack everything back into the cupboard again. once he’d finished, he pulled out two slices of bread and made vegemite sandwiches, cutting them into small triangles for the little to eat. he brought the plate over to chan, setting it in front of him. when the boy only looked up at him with a confused expression, felix took a seat beside him and picked up one of the triangles, holding it up to chan’s mouth. chan ate quickly, making small noises of satisfaction in between bites. felix grinned at the situation, not being able to resist leaning over and pinching the little’s cheek. chan giggled, before letting out a long yawn and settling against felix’s side. 

“you tired now baby boy?” felix asked softly, running his delicate fingers through the little's hair. chan hummed in reply. “how about you stand up for hyungie so that we can go take a nap?” chan slid off his chair sleepily. he held on to gyu with his right hand while felix took hold of his left. the younger boy slowly led them both to his and changbin’s shared room, closing the door shut behind them.

felix gently tugged the little to his bed, crawling across it to lay on the side closest to the wall while chan laid next to him. felix wrapped his arms around his waist, cuddling him to his chest. chan slipped his thumb into his mouth and pulled gyu up under his chin, leaning into felix and drifting to sleep, the younger boy following soon after. 


	4. Chapter 4

it wasn’t until three hours later when felix was woken up by the sound of voices in the dorm. he looked at the clock and saw that it was now 5pm, so he quietly untangled himself from chan’s hold and slipped out of bed. the little was still sucking his thumb and hugging gyu, so felix thought it would be okay to leave him for a few minutes while he went to greet the others. he stepped out of the room and pushed the door gently shut behind him. he made his way to the kitchen, where he could hear jisung and hyunjin bickering, minho telling them to shut up in the background. as soon as he entered the room everything went silent for a few seconds, before everyone started talking at once. felix stepped back from the sheer volume of the “is he okay?”s and the “he’s not sick is he?”s and one particularly loud “can we go see him?” from the youngest, which managed to make all of the members go quiet. they looked at felix expectantly. 

“he’s not sick, he’s actually feeling a lot better, although he did hurt his hand last night so i bandaged it up for him. right now he’s asleep so you can’t really see him until he wakes up later.” the others nodded, slightly disappointed at the fact they would have to wait a while before they could see their leader. he turned to leave the room when jisung grabbed his arm, pulling him into the living room with changbin trailing behind them.  
“so? what was wrong with him?” jisung crossed his arms impatiently. 

“he was just really homesick, it’s nothing out of the ordinary.” felix replied, looking at the floor. changbin and jisung shared a look.  
“it didn’t seem like he was just homesick lix, we can tell there’s something going on...” changbin tried to press further, but felix shut him down.  
“i talked to him about it hyung and he feels a lot better now. trust me he’s alright, he just missed australia that’s all.” he moved to leave the room when jisung spoke.  
“do you really expect us to believe that? to believe that chan hyung sobbing and calling out for you like that was due to homesickness?” jisung let out an agitated sigh.  
“i don’t care what you believe, jisung.” felix returned. “it’s the truth, so take it or leave it.” at that he walked out, making his way back to his room.  
“you don’t believe a word he said do you hyung?” jisung asked, turning to changbin.  
“not in the slightest, but there’s nothing we can do. if they don’t want to tell us then that’s up to them i guess.” changbin shrugged his shoulders, lips pulled into a thin line.  
“but felix said he would tell us what was wrong and he didn’t. i just want to be able to help him hyung...” jisung’s voice softened.  
“i know you do jisungie, i know. if it’s something really important then i’m sure we’ll find out eventually.” changbin placed a hand on jisung’s shoulder, rubbing it slightly. jisung hummed, before turning away and walking back into the kitchen, changbin following after.

chan opened his eyes sleepily as felix walked back into the room. the younger boy made his way to the bed and sat down on the edge, running a hand through his curls.  
“hey baby.” he smiled. chan pulled his thumb out of his mouth as his cheeks went red.

“‘m not in headspace anymore.” he said softly. he sat up and rubbed his eyes. “what time is it?”  
“just after 5pm hyung. how do you feel?”  
“to be honest, i feel really good lix.” chan let out a breathy laugh. “a lot more relaxed than i’ve ever felt after slipping, that’s for sure.”  
“then... does that mean you would let me look after you again?” felix asked hopefully. chan’s ears went red, a small smile appearing on his lips.  
“if you would be okay with it, yeah.” felix threw himself at chan, wrapping the older in his arms as he giggled.  
“i would be more than okay with it! i loved looking after you, you’re so adorable in littlespace i thought i would combust!” felix ranted on and on about the day they had and how cute he had found ‘baby channie’. chan could only laugh as the younger boy talked, a warm feeling in his chest as he realised that maybe this side of himself wasn’t that bad after all.

as felix lay in bed that night, he pulled out his phone to do some shopping. after spending the day with little chris he had come up with a list of items he wanted to buy for him, including a pacifier, so that he didn’t have to keep sucking his thumb, and a stuffed toy, so that he didn’t constantly have to borrow gyu in secret. he searched for a while, and finally completed his order when he was happy with his choices.

it didn’t take a genius to figure out something was going on. after jisung had had the conversation with felix, he’d kept an eye on chan, which he thought would be a pretty simple task seeing as they lived together and spent most of their extra time at the studio producing music together too. turns out chan had been disappearing a lot lately, and when chan disappeared, felix did too. jisung had no problem with the members keeping secrets. even he had things he didn't want the others to know about. but to this extent? to the point where he only saw the leader when they were practicing choreography, or had vocal lessons together? it was getting on his nerves and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about it for long. 

ever since chan went into littlespace with felix, he had become a lot more willing to relax and let himself enter that state of mind. while he used to only drop when his body physically forced him into that state, now that he was consciously allowing it, he realised that he needed it a lot more often. he would be in the middle of showering after a long day of practice when he realised how much he was longing for someone else to be there, massaging shampoo into his scalp as he played with a rubber ducky in the water. these thoughts would arrive but instead of pushing them down, he would finish what he was doing and then seek out his australian brother, knowing that with felix beside him he could be as little as he wanted without needing to worry. he ended up going into littlespace two or three times a week, and both he and felix learnt quickly about his little triggers and his preferences while in that headspace. it took him mere seconds to drop when felix presented him with his new pacifier and eevee plushie, taking them from the other boy and giving him a big kiss on the cheek as a thank you. the experience was bringing the australians closer outside of littlespace too, as they spent pretty much all of their free time together. it was safe to say that things were going well with their dynamic, and they couldn’t be happier.

they had just finished another run through of the choreography, everyone panting as they took sips from their water bottles. after the last few weeks of experiencing his headspace, felix was starting to get pretty good at noticing when chan was feeling little, even when the older didn’t know it himself. as soon as chan started chewing on one of his hoodie drawstrings and fiddling with the other, felix took him by the elbow and led him to the side of the room. he pulled the fabric from chan’s mouth and started to talk to him in a quiet voice.  
this didn’t go unnoticed by jisung. he observed the pair conversing from across the room for a while, before deciding to speak up.  
“what are you two talking about?” he asked in a loud voice, startling the other members. chan and felix, however, didn’t even acknowledge that he’d spoken, too lost in their own conversation. jisung cleared his throat, finally catching their attention. “i said, what are you two talking about?” he wasn’t even trying to mask the growing frustration in his voice as he spoke.

“jisung.” changbin warned.  
“no hyung, i’m curious. what is it that’s so important that you have to interrupt practice to talk about?” felix turned to face him head on, frowning.  
“we aren’t interrupting anything, we’re in the middle of a break right now.” his tone was a mixture of confusion and annoyance.  
“uh huh okay, but what about all the other times? what about all the other times you’ve stood in the corner talking about things you won’t tell us? all the other times you’ve disappeared together after practice? what about the fact that i can never find chan when i’m looking for him, and when he goes missing it just so happens that you do too? i’m fucking fed up of you two keeping secrets from us, whatever’s going on we deserve to know about it.” the other members looked at jisung in shock, not quite being able to believe that he would talk to the pair in that way. felix scoffed.

“you’re not making any sense jisung. nothing’s going on so just drop it.”  
“oh really?” he laughed. “no, you see that’s where you’re wrong. you're the one who's not making sense, you’re the one who thought that we would believe you when you told us chan was ‘just homesick’ after we found him fucking sobbing and calling out for you. something’s wrong with him and we aren’t stupid, so tell us what the fuck is going on.” jisung was practically shaking with anger at this point. minho stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder to try to get him to back down, but he just shrugged it off. felix had moved forwards to shield chan as they argued, his back to the leader. it wasn’t until he felt a tug on his shirt that the younger boy turned around, chan looking at him with big, tear-filled eyes.  
“oh what, is he gonna fucking cry again? how come i’ve seen him cry more in the past few weeks than in the entire time i’ve known him. for fucks sake what–”  
“will you just shut up” felix turned and shouted, startling jisung out of his furious state as he met the fiery gaze of the younger australian. 

that was the last straw for chan. he collapsed to the ground in gut-wrenching sobs, fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he wailed. felix dropped to his knees and pulled the boy towards him, cradling him in his arms as he muttered reassurances to him. the sobs didn’t recede at all, so he stroked a hand through the little's hair, rocking them both from side to side. the other boys just watched in awe, not sure what they could do to help in this situation. confusion was evident on their faces as they heard felix whisper “you’re okay sweetheart, i’ve got you.” to their leader, as if it was completely normal. 

jisung had gone silent. while he had heard chan cry quite a few times in their days as trainees, it had never sounded so unrestrained and full of hurt before. a wave of guilt washed over jisung, and he shrank in on himself at the realisation that he'd taken it too far. 

after a few minutes and no sign of chan's cries subsiding, felix turned to look at minho.  
“can you bring his bag over here please hyung?” he asked. minho rushed over to the couches in the corner of the room where their stuff had been haphazardly thrown on entrance, and pulled chan’s bag out from the pile. he brought it over to felix, who thanked him and began to rifle through it. he clutched something black and shiny in his hand as he pushed the bag away, and he held it up to the sobbing boy in his arms. gently pushing it against his lips, chan accepted the pacifier and went quiet, leaning against felix’s chest as the tears running down his cheeks began to slow. hyunjin gasped.

“is that–” he started.  
“–a pacifier?” jeongin interrupted, a hand coming up to cover his mouth as he stared in disbelief.  
“why does hyung have a pacifier?” seungmin questioned calmly. felix sighed as chan shifted in his arms, pressing himself even further against felix’s torso.  
“can i explain when we get home?” he looked at jisung tiredly. “i promise i’ll tell you everything this time.” jisung looked at the floor with shame.  
“yeah okay.” minho said. “how are we gonna get him home though?”  
“i don’t know... i think he’s too small to walk right now. would someone be able to carry him to the van?” felix asked. the others took note of his choice of words.  
“i can try.” changbin suggested “if he would be okay with that?” felix thought for a moment before turning back to the boy in his arms.  
“hey channie baby. we need to get you out of here, so would it be okay for changbin to carry you to the car?” he asked softly. chan buried his head into felix’s shirt and nodded. “thank you baby boy.”  
felix pulled away from chan slightly, and the little moved to look at changbin, who was now kneeling in front of the pair. chan lifted his arms out towards him, and changbin smiled before leaning forwards. chan wrapped his arms around the rapper’s neck and let himself be lifted up, wrapping his legs around changbin’s waist as he felt hands rest under his thighs to support him. chan burrowed his head into the younger boy’s neck, the shield of his pacifier digging into his collarbone slightly. felix stood up and made his way to their things, swinging chan’s bag over one shoulder and his own over the other. the rest of the group followed him and began to collect their belongings together too, before filing out of the door. 

they made it to their van without many people seeing them. changbin climbed in first, making his way to the back and placing chan down on the middle of the three seats. he himself then sat down in the seat to the little’s left, and felix sat down on chan’s right. the leader’s eyes began to drift shut as he leaned against felix’s side, linking arms with the younger australian as he tried to get as close as physically possible. felix pulled his arm away and instead wrapped it around the boy’s shoulders, pulling him to his still damp chest. chan hummed and sucked softly on his pacifier taking hold of felix’s other hand. changbin’s heart melted at the sight, not believing how cute their leader could be. the others clambered into the van as well, all smiling at the sight in the back as they took their seats.


	5. Chapter 5

when they arrived at the dorms, it was around 10pm. felix managed to coax the sleepy leader back into changbin’s arms, and he was carried back inside. hyunjin took off the little’s shoes as changbin held him and felix went to drop their stuff in his room. the others all went and sat down in the living room, and hyunjin and changbin eventually followed. as felix returned, he carried with him a stuffed eevee. he settled himself on the couch and changbin passed chan over to him. felix placed the toy in his arms and he hugged it tightly, cuddling up to the younger boy as he looked around the room with a shy expression.

felix cleared his throat. “i don’t really know where to start if i’m honest...” he trailed off.  
“how about the night you found him at the studio a few weeks ago?” changbin suggested, jisung nodding in agreement.  
felix began to explain how he could tell something wasn’t right with chan, so he went to the studio late and that the boy started sobbing when felix got there. he told them how he brought chan back and patched up his knuckles. he didn’t miss out the detail of chan calling him ‘hyung’, which brought a few odd looks from the members. he then proceeded to explain the events of the next morning, which jisung and changbin already knew a bit about. he described how chan fell asleep again after his meltdown, and how when he woke up he ran and locked himself in the bathroom. he paused for a while, not really sure how to approach the actual subject of age regression.

“when i finally got him out of the bathroom, he told me what had happened. it’s called age regression.” he looked around at the members, trying to gauge their reactions to the unfamiliar term. they all looked blankly back at him, so he continued.  
“age regression is when you mentally regress to a younger headspace to cope with stress or trauma. chan is what you call a ‘little’, so when he gets overwhelmed he falls into the mindset of a child. it’s not something you can choose to be, even if you try to push your headspace away you will always have a more childish side, that’s just part of you. chan told me he always tried to ignore his littlespace, but would crash into it every few months from the build-up of stress. i read that that can cause a lot of harm, so ever since i found out about it i’ve been taking care of him when he regresses.”

“so that’s why you’ve been sneaking around?” jisung asked, a curious look on his face. felix sighed.  
“yeah, i’m sorry for not being honest with you. channie didn’t want anyone else to know yet because he’s still getting used to the idea of allowing himself to regress freely.”  
“i’m sorry for pressuring you both to tell us...” jisung’s voice went quiet. minho wrapped an arm around him.  
“it’s okay, you didn’t know. none of us did.” he reassured him. jisung leant into minho’s touch as felix watched them thoughtfully.  
“so what age is hyung when he’s in littlespace?” jeongin asked, trying to conceal his excitement.   
“it depends. the oldest he’s been was about five years old i would say, and the youngest just over one.” jeongin squealed happily, a grin breaking out on his and hyunjin’s faces. the others smiled softly too.  
“what age is he now then?” seungmin questioned.  
“hmm, i’d say about two. he quite often goes non-verbal, regardless of the age. the most i’ve heard him speak was when he was in an older headspace.” felix smiled at the memories of playing with chan last week, and how the little took him on an adventure around their room with his toy eevee.

“are you like his carer then?” minho asked. felix hesitated before answering.  
“i guess you could call me that. littles usually have what’s called a caregiver, which is someone that looks after them when they regress. chan told me you can’t just become a caregiver though, you have to build a trusting relationship with the little in order for that kind of bond to form.”  
“do you want to be his caregiver?” at this question felix blushed and looked down at the now half asleep boy curled up in his lap.  
“i would love to be considered his caregiver.” he answered sincerely, a soft expression appearing on his face as he thought about how much he cherished taking care of his baby boy. the others smiled softly at the sight. they could clearly see how much this meant to both chan and felix, and they only wished they could be a part of it too.  
“do you...” hyunjin paused. “do you think we would be able to look after him as well?”  
“that’s entirely up to chan. if he feels comfortable enough to let you guys see him properly in that state then it’s his choice, but i can’t force him.” hyunjin nodded. “when he’s back in an adult headspace we’re all going to need to have a conversation about this.” the others made noises of agreement. he ran his hand through chan’s curls. “i think i should probably take him to bed now so he doesn’t wake up with backache tomorrow. changbin hyung could you help me carry him please?” changbin stood up and slipped an arm under the little's knees, his other arm wrapping around chan's shoulders. he lifted him up without much difficulty and led the way to his and felix’s shared room. felix muttered his goodnights and followed changbin out, giving one last glance to jisung who was curled up against minho’s side, looking deep in thought.

changbin laid chan down on felix’s bed as the boy went to his wardrobe to change into a clean shirt and shorts. once he finished, he climbed into bed next to chan and wrapped his arms around him, the little immediately rolling into his side and grasping felix’s shirt in his hand, his eevee clutched tightly in the other. changbin beamed down at them both as chan sucked softly on his black pacifier.  
“he’s really adorable.” he said with a smile.  
“isn’t he!” felix replied, giggling slightly.  
“i really hope he lets us look after him like this. even being able to carry him around made me happy.”  
“yeah i hope so too hyung. i love taking care of him, but having you guys to rely on would take some of the weight off of my shoulders too.” he hummed and pulled chan even tighter against his body. the boy pushed his head up against the underside of felix’s chin, rubbing his curls on felix’s neck. changbin made a strangled ‘aww’ing noise and felix snickered. chan lazily opened his eyes and looked up at changbin.  
“nigh’ nigh’ binnie ‘yungie. nigh’ nigh’ lixie ‘yungie.” the little murmured around his pacifier. felix grinned as changbin’s eyes filled with tears.  
“oh my god he’s so cute i’m gonna cry” he whispered, holding a hand over his mouth. he bent down and laid a kiss on chan’s head, whispering “night night baby” and leaving the room before he broke down properly. felix snorted as he heard a wail come from the living room, followed by a loud cry of "WHY IS HE SO CUTE" and a chorus of laughter from the others. 

“night night baby boy. see you in the morning.” he whispered to chan, before kissing his cheek and drifting off to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

when chan opened his eyes, he felt extremely uncomfortable. the younger australian he was currently curled up against was like a human radiator, and the thick duvet covering their bodies wasn’t helping his case either. he managed to slide himself out of felix’s arms without moving the boy too much, and stood up from the bed. he pulled his hoodie away from his chest and fanned himself with it, rolling his neck around to wake himself up more. he noticed that changbin’s bed was empty, so he was either already awake or had slept somewhere else for the night.

he stepped outside the room and shut the door gently behind him, making his way to the kitchen. he could hear some of the members conversing quietly, and when he entered he found minho, seungmin and hyunjin all sitting eating breakfast together. they looked up at him as he went to the fridge, going silent. chan stopped. they didn’t say anything but kept staring at him, a small smile apparent on hyunjin’s face.  
“... wha’?” he asked, hesitantly. ‘oh’ he thought. blood rushed to his cheeks as he brought his hand to his mouth, taking hold of the ring on the pacifier he didn’t even realise was still between his lips and pulling it out. chan looked at the floor in embarrassment as he mumbled “i didn’t even realise i had it...”  
he looked back up at the three boys in front of him when he heard hyunjin giggle, seungmin elbowing him in the ribs and telling him to shut up with a grin.  
“you don’t need to be embarrassed around us hyung, you looked adorable.” minho said, a soft smile on his face as he tilted his head slightly at the leader. hyunjin and seungmin hummed in agreement, nodding eagerly.  
“i’ll–i’ll try not to be.” chan muttered quietly, turning back to the fridge to find something to eat.

he took a seat at the table and placed the pacifier down next to him, picking up his spoon and starting to eat. he had his back to the doorway, so when he heard heavy footsteps approach he looked over his shoulder to see who was coming. he locked eyes with jisung, who was frozen in the doorway. not sure what to do, he turned back to his food and tried to ignore the burning gaze he could feel on the back of his head. chan wasn’t one to hold grudges, and to be honest, he wasn’t really angry with jisung after what happened yesterday because he knew that if it were him, he would want to find out what was going on as well. jisung evidently didn’t feel the same way as he approached the leader’s side, clearing his throat slightly as he stood next to chan. the australian glanced at him and saw the guilt etched on his features. 

“i...” jisung paused. “i’m sorry about yesterday, hyung. i shouldn’t have pushed you to tell us what was going on, it was really selfish and i forced you to tell us something you weren’t comfortable sharing yet. i’m really sorry.” the other three boys at the table had stopped eating to watch the scene before them unfold, not quite sure what to expect from the oldest in reply.  
chan exhaled heavily. “it’s alright jisung, i understand. i think i probably would have done the same in your situation.”  
“that doesn’t make it okay though hyung. i put too much pressure on you and i–”  
“jisung.” chan’s voice cut through the younger boy’s rant before could start to get himself too worked up. “i’m fine, i forgive you. honestly i’m kind of glad you all know now, i think felix was struggling to look after me on his own while trying to keep it a secret.” he took hold of jisung’s hand to show the boy that he really was forgiven. he finally looked up at chan, seeing the sincerity in his eyes, and smiled in relief.

he went to the cupboard to pour himself some cereal and situated himself in the seat at chan’s side as the rest of the members made their way into the kitchen. felix walked in rubbing his eyes. he waved at chan when the older boy turned to look at him.  
“you alright?” he asked, yawning slightly.  
“yeah i’m good, thanks.” chan smiled at him and turned back to the table. 

felix moved to go towards the fridge, but jisung caught his eye on the way. the rapper was sitting completely still, staring at something on the table. felix leant sideways to see what he was looking at, and saw chan’s black pacifier sitting next to his bowl.  
“jisung?” felix said, snapping jisung out of his daze. “you okay?”  
“hmm? oh yeah i’m fine, i just...” his eyes trailed back down to the pacifier. “it’s nothing.” he muttered. chan put his hand over it.  
“i can put it away if it makes you uncomfortable.” he said softly, a slight frown on his face.  
“n–no!” jisung exclaimed in a much louder voice than he meant to use. “i–it’s fine, seriously. i’m not uncomfortable, i promise!” he rushed to reassure the older australian, who slowly retracted his hand from the plastic object.

felix leant against the wall as he took a bite of his toast. the rest of the members were spread around the kitchen, some sitting at the table and others just standing at the sides like felix. he swallowed his food, before addressing them all.  
“so, seeing as we’re all here and chan hyung is back in his adult headspace, we should probably have another conversation about this whole thing.” chan ducked his head low in embarrassment as the rest of the group nodded.  
“hyung, minho hyung already told you you don’t have to be ashamed of this, we aren’t judging you for it.” seungmin said. chan sighed, raising his head again.

“i know, but it’s hard not to be. i’m the oldest, i’m your leader, but we’re having a talk about me acting like a child.”  
“just because you act like a child and need people to look after you sometimes doesn’t change those facts. you’re still our hyung and we still look up to you as our leader.” jeongin told him.  
“we know how to separate your little self and your adult self hyung." changbin added.  
“...thanks guys. i didn’t expect you all to accept it so easily. i mean even i found it weird for a while until lix started taking care of me, so i assumed you all would too.” the boys smiled at him as he talked, knowing that it couldn’t have been easy for him to come to terms with, especially as it wasn’t something any of them had heard of before.

“of course hyung. it’s a coping mechanism, we’ve all got our coping mechanisms no matter how weird or different they are. we want you to feel comfortable using it when you need to.” hyunjin reassured him.

"on that note, we were wondering…" jeongin trailed off, looking around at the others for help.  
"we were wondering if you would let us look after you too." minho finished for him. chan's eyes went wide.

"wait, seriously? you mean that?" he glanced at his members, unable to believe they would actually offer that to him. "you're not just saying that because you feel like you don't have a choice, right?"  
"no, we genuinely want to be a part of this hyung." you could see how sincere the boys were being from their eyes, each of their gazes focused on chan. the leader turned to felix, not quite sure how to answer them.

"would you be comfortable being little around everyone, hyung? we can take it slowly if you want, so you can meet and get used to a few people at a time." the younger australian suggested. chan considered the idea for a second.

"i think i'd like that." he said softly. hyunjin and jeongin cheered, high-fiving each other in joy. the others grinned at their reaction.  
"why are you so excited?" chan asked, laughing. 

"you have no idea how cute you were last night hyung!" the youngest exclaimed.  
"seriously! i thought my heart was gonna melt!" hyunjin shouted, holding his hands to his chest as he bounced in his seat. chan buried his face in his hoodie sleeves, the tips of his ears turning red as he giggled. the boys smiled fondly at their leader.

"right." minho clapped his hands together. "now that we've talked, let's go get ready for practice." a variety of groans sounded across the room as the members moved from their positions, making their way out of the kitchen and to their rooms to change.


	7. Chapter 7

“seungmin, have you seen my shoes?” hyunjin shouted across the dorm.  
heavy footsteps pounded in chan’s ears as the members rushed around to get ready. he blinked sleepily, trying to clear the blur from his eyes. he sat up and placed his feet on the cold wooden floor, flinching at the temperature. he glanced at the clock on his bedside table. it read 6:15am, which at first he didn’t pay any mind to, until he realised with a jolt that they were supposed to be leaving in 15 minutes. 

whining loudly, he stood up and went to his wardrobe to get dressed as quickly as he could. he probably should have paid more attention to the fact that he struggled to button up his shirt, but he was in a rush.  
he hastily grabbed his belongings and dashed to the bathroom, narrowly avoiding crashing into jeongin who was completely engrossed in a video on his phone. 

“sorry” the youngest mumbled, not even looking up at him. 

when chan pulled open the bathroom door, he found changbin brushing his teeth at the sink. the rapper grunted at him in acknowledgement as he entered. he passed chan his toothbrush as the leader uncapped the toothpaste. a loud crash sounded from the kitchen as chan applied the toothpaste to his brush, startling him so much that he squeezed the tube too hard and accidentally covered his hand in the sticky substance. changbin threw his head back as he laughed, the leader running his hand under the tap to wash it off in humiliation. he kept his eyes focused on the sink as changbin finished what he was doing and left, not realising that the oldest was trying desperately hard not to let the tears gathered in his eyes run down his face.

he hooked his foot around the door behind him and pushed it shut, looking at himself in the mirror with anger. he rubbed harshly at his eyes to get rid of the moisture and stuck his toothbrush in his mouth.  
‘not today chan, you don’t have time.’ he repeated to himself in his head, hoping that somehow it would get rid of the slight fuzziness in his mind that showed itself whenever he felt little. it had been a week since the group had talked about chan’s headspace, and the subject hadn’t been brought up since. while he knew he should alert one of them of the fact he felt the need to slip, he couldn’t bring himself to put that burden on them, especially on a day in which they were going to be busy until quite late. he pushed any desire to be little to the back of his mind and tried to carry on with his day.

they arrived at the radio station at 7am, each of the boys in various states of tiredness as they clambered out of the van. they tried to ignore the loud screams of fans that greeted them as they made their way into the building. chan ducked his head low and walked faster, wanting to escape the shrill noise as fast as possible. the door closed behind him as he was the last to enter, and the sound cut off. the members collectively sighed in relief, and allowed themselves to be led to the studio. when they got there, the cameras were set up and they started the show.

after answering a few questions from the host and talking a little about their music, a collection of animal headbands were passed around for them to put on for a game. chan plucked a pair of wolf-like ears and slid them onto his head, his fingers caressing the soft fur absentmindedly. he didn’t even realise what he was doing until hyunjin grasped his wrist to pull his arms back down to his sides.  
his gaze drifted across to the other members, and he had to hold back a giggle when he saw the small, round ears resembling those of a chipmunk on jisung’s head.  
‘sungie squiwel’ his mind supplied him, but as quickly as the thought entered his head he shoved it back out again. shaking his head, he tried to focus back on what the host was currently joking with jeongin about. 

once they were finished, chan waited at the back as they started to leave the studio to return to the car. he picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, but as he turned to bow at the staff, the host stopped him for a second.  
“ah, you’ve still got your headband on…” the host trailed off and pointed at the ears on the leader’s head. chan reached up and slid them off, fingers immediately tangling in the fur again.  
“oh i’m sorry, i didn’t even realise!” he exclaimed, gripping the object tightly in his hands. the host seemed to notice his reluctance to give up the headband even though the australian held it out for him to take.

“you know what? we’ve got loads of them, i think you should keep it.”  
“r-really?” chan stuttered, failing to hide the smile that appeared on his face.  
“yeah, why not! it can be a little memento from today’s show!”  
“wow, thank you so much!” the leader held it against his chest for a moment before shrugging off his bag and slipping it inside. the host mumbled a “no problem” as chan zipped up his back and made his way to the door. “thanks again!” he said, bowing, and followed the rest of his group, who hadn’t noticed a thing. 

as the members climbed into the van, chan saw their manager pulling jisung and felix to the side to talk to them. he helped jeongin into the vehicle before walking over to see what was wrong.  
“is everything okay?” he asked.  
“yeah everything’s fine chan, i was just asking jisung if he wouldn’t mind helping felix with his rap instead of going to dance practice now, seeing as they’ve both pretty much got the choreography nailed. the rest of you will still go, but i’ve booked them a studio to use for a few hours by themselves. nothing to worry about.” the manager explained, jisung and felix nodding along.  
“oh yeah okay, sounds good. i’ll tell the others they won’t be joining us.” chan replied and got into the van.  
he took a seat next to minho and dropped his bag at his feet.

“i thought you would have wanted to sit next to lix.” minho commented as he played a game on his phone.  
“would you rather i moved then?” chan replied, raising an eyebrow.  
“nah, you’re good hyung.” the younger boy smirked at him and turned back to his game. 

chan turned to the boys sitting behind him.  
“felix and jisung aren’t coming to dance practice with us, they’re going to a studio to work on rap together instead.” they all hummed in acknowledgment and returned to what they were doing.  
the two boys joined them in the vehicle a few minutes later, and they left to return to the company.

when the group got there they said their goodbyes to one another, as felix and jisung went to the studio that had been booked for them, and the others went to their practice room. 

three hours into practice and chan was pretty proud of how well he was keeping himself under control. while his focus wasn’t great, he was keeping up with the choreography and hadn’t made any major mistakes. minho called them for a 5 minute break, so he took a swig from his water bottle and told the group he was going to the bathroom.  
as he was washing his hands, his mind wandered to what had happened earlier in the day. he thought about the radio show and all of the meaningless questions they were asked, and trivial tasks they had to carry out. then he remembered how everyone had looked in their headbands, which reminded him of his own still left in his bag. he was in a daze as his head became filled with images of soft blankets and plushies and of course, his own fluffy wolf ears that were so close yet so far away. it wasn’t until hyunjin touched him on the shoulder that he was pulled from his thoughts. 

hyunjin leaned across him and turned the tap off, which made chan realise his hands were no longer under the running water. instead, two of his fingers were in his open mouth while his other hand was subconsciously tugging at the hem of his shirt. he looked up in surprise, pulling his hand away from his face and wiping it on the shorts he had changed into before practice.  
“hyung... are you feeling little?” hyunjin asked tentatively. red rushed to chan’s cheeks as he desperately tried to avoid eye contact with the younger boy.  
“..maybe” he whispered.  
“why didn’t you tell one of us? you know we wouldn’t mind looking after you.” chan exhaled.  
“i know, that’s not why i didn’t say anything. we just had so much going on today, i didn’t want anyone to miss practice or something just to take care of me.” hyunjin stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around the australian, stroking the back of his head.  
“it must have been hard for you to control all day, huh.” hyunjin mumbled, feeling chan nod against his chest. “is that why you kept playing with the ears during the show earlier?” there was a muffled whine, before he felt another nod. hyunjin giggled, ruffling the leader’s hair and stepping away from the boy. “come on then, let’s go talk to minho about going home early. he’s probably wondering where we are, seeing as the break ended 10 minutes ago.” chan’s eyes widened at that, and he grabbed hyunjin’s hand and rushed back to the practice room. 

the leader let hyunjin enter first, feeling shy at the thought of having to ask to go home early just because he wanted to regress. he followed behind with his head down, fiddling with his fingers.  
“why did you take so long?” minho asked, sounding somewhat annoyed.  
“sorry hyung, i was talking to channie hyung. we were wondering if we could all finish practice now because he’s feeling little…” hyunjin trailed off, not sure how minho would react.

jeongin failed to mask his gasp.  
“really?” he exclaimed, before turning to minho. “please can we go home hyung, i wanna see little channie” he whined, practically begging the second oldest. the rest of the boys looked at him with hopeful expressions.   
“fine, i suppose we can finish now. everyone get your stuff together while i message felix and jisung.” the boys rushed to gather their things, the youngest taking it upon himself to collect chan’s as well. he grinned when he opened the leader’s bag and found the pair of wolf ears he had been wearing earlier in the day. zipping it up and sliding it onto his shoulder, he made his way to the door, bouncing in his eagerness to get home.

hyunjin took hold of chan’s hand and led him out of the room, the rest of the group in tow.


End file.
